growing up

At some point in our lives, what we do begins to affect others in bigger ways than it used to.

We used to flit from friend group to friend group, not caring to stay too long or get too attached because making friends was easy, and besides, leaving didn't mean not coming back.

We used to flirt and fight and get excited and upset, all in one breath, then go home to our families and not care because whatever, we were babies.

We used to show up when we were told to, do what was asked of us, go home to kill time before doing it all over again, all the while not worrying about what that meant for anyone else, because hey - we were doing what we were supposed to.

We made spontaneous decisions; we changed our minds; we made mistakes and messes. Not a problem.

But then we started to grow up...and somewhere along the way, things changed.

We started to stick with our friend groups, no longer united as "friends forever" just because we were in the same grade. Leaving started to be the end of something - sometimes because we grew separately and took different paths, sometimes because we burned bridges with purpose and intent.

Flirting started to lead to more than fighting - it led to dates and dinners and walks and songs and sweet nothings whispered when no one else was around. And when we went home, we didn't leave the other behind - they stuck around for dinner and homework and cuddles that somehow began to gain more and more significance...this time we could get married, if we really wanted to.

Things we were supposed to do suddenly became our responsibilities, but we were on our own this time. We went to classes and to jobs and to meetings, knowing that us being wherever we were actually meant something.

We couldn't make such spontaneous decisions anymore, because people were counting on us, relying on us, expecting us to step up to the plate.

Any decision made now affects so many others. It's no longer only about me. Given that I'm not a particularly selfish human being, I don't mind. I'm good at responsibility; it suits me...yet still, sometimes it's too much. There's too much riding on me. Responsibilities I didn't know would be mine so soon have become mine, labeled clearly with my name, screaming at me that they depend on me, that whatever I do, whatever I will decide will affect them.

But you know what? I'm 21-years-young. And I didn't sign up for this.

No decision that I have ever made has been made with forever in mind. Not a single one.

And here I sit, with decisions to make. Decisions that I wish only effected me. But it's too late for that. Because I grew up, and that means things aren't as simple.

And that means it's time to grow up some more.

July 23

It's been a while!

Between traveling to Spain last quarter and settling into my hectic summer schedule, my free time is pretty much a distant dream. I'm beginning to think I'm going to be busy for the rest of my life!

For the first time in my life I actually feel like a true, bona fide, grown up.

As in a work full-time (40 hours a week as a front-desk receptionist), live-on-your-own (only because my roommates are gone for the summer), pay-your-own-bills, cook-your-own-meals, keep-up-your-own-house kind of grown up.

I'm enjoying it, but every now and again I get sad that my childhood is gone - a feeling that is really sad to someone like me, who thrives on being home, being able to have lazy days without a care in the world, being a little bit dependent.

I feel the blogging itch coming back, and hope to be able to pull together a whirlwind of posts to update all of you readers who might still be out there on the goings-on in my life...right now I'm enjoying a rare moment of peace in this crazy-busy summer that I can only describe simply as bittersweet.

But more on that later...

¿Hola?

Any readers still out there?

I know I've been absent from this blog for a long while...living in Spain and not having internet in your house will do that to you! I can't wait to get back into the blogging world again...is that sad? I miss everything that's going on in the lives of those I follow - while here I realized how much I truly valued those "relationships". Even though a comment here or there might not instantly make people best friends, it's the feeling of camaraderie that gets me...like there are other people out there who are interested in who I am, how I'm doing, what's going on. And I'm interested in you all too, I promise!

I'll be back in the states on June 3 and am very excited! I should be back to blogging as soon as the jet lag wears off :)

In the meantime, go ahead and check out my blog from my trip here...Spain is a beautiful place, and I have lots of pictures and stories to share!

Hasta luego,

Abigail

Frustrated

So this post has nothing to do with Spain. Spain is fun. I'm enjoying it.

I'm just so frustrated right now. I don't want to go into too much detail - yes this is my blog, but I don't want to reveal every single bit of personal information on it.

Have people ever gotten the completely wrong idea about you? Or not even completely wrong, just wrong in general? And instead of deciding to find out what you're really all about, they make assumptions and live by them, as if they were real, as if they were the truth?

That's what's been happening to me lately. People think I'm better than I actually am. Yes, I try to be a good, nice, caring person. I try to live by the Bible and its teachings, I try to treat people the way I want to be treated.

I don't always succeed. I'm not perfect.

There are people out there who don't get that. They see that I'm nice. And sweet. And loving and caring and patient and kind and respectful. Then they immediately assume I'm too good for them. I'm better than they are morally. I'm a little angel.

None of that is true.

Obviously there are grey areas and fine lines and all that, but I tend to believe that if people are trying their best to be a good person...it may not work quite like that. But that's what I like to think.

According to that thought, I am no better than anyone else (obviously there are some exceptions, like murderers, but I'm trying to make a point here). In this situation that I'm in, I don't feel like I'm any better or worse than the other person involved.

But they feel like I am. And they're beating themself up about it. And I'm working my hardest to try to make them see that I don't feel that way at all - that in my eyes, we're on equal footing.

It's not working. And I don't know what to do.

Day Three

Hi everyone...as I'm studying abroad in Santander, Spain, you can read about everything I'm doing here.

When I find a little extra time (such as today, a rainy Saunday afternoon in Santander), I'm going to try to at least keep up with the Thirty Day photo challenge. So, I give you day three: a picture of the cast from my favorite show.

photo via google

This is, obviously (I think), the cast from Friends.

This show is hands-down my favorite show ever. Despite seeing every episode multiple times, it never gets old. I make references to it every single day, without fail...I can't get over how much I love this show.

I was too young to really watch it when it was on, but I watched the reruns when they're on TV, on DVD, online...this show is fantastic. I really can't praise it enough!

♥ abigail

Spain

Hello, readers!

I am currently studying abroad in Santander, Spain and might not be posting as much as usual...check out my blog about my trip if you're interested :)

Abigail Abroad

♥ abigail

Day Two

Day two of the thirty-day photo challenge told me to post a picture of me with the person I've been closest to the longest.

I decided I can't do that. So I posted a picture of me with the two people I've been closest to the longest.

I decided that since it's my blog, I can take some liberties with this challenge :)

This photo is of me (left); my older sister, Samantha (center); and my younger sister, Kendall (right). It was taken last summer at our uncle's wedding in California (that should explain our sun-kissed skin pretty well).

Technically I've been closest to Samantha the longest - she's a year-and-a-half older than I am, and only one grade ahead in school. We've been inseparable since my birth (almost 21 years ago).

Kendall is two years younger than me, and two grades below me in school. That doesn't make much of a difference now, but when you're an eighth grader and your sister is in sixth? Yeah - huge difference.

I was definitely closer to Samantha growing up - we were so close in age and when we hit middle school we starting playing on the same sports teams, which made us have the same friends.

As we grew up, we took Kendall under our wings a little better, and now the three of us are best friends.

Samantha is the loud, older sister. She doesn't know the meaning of an indoor voice, is the teensy-tiniest thing in existence, enjoys pleasing people, has a huge sweet tooth, and a huge, generous heart.

Kendall is the even louder younger sister. She also lacks an indoor voice, demands the presence of a room, is incredibly indecisive, is obsessed with fruit, and has a sarcastic streak three miles wide.

I'm your typical middle sister - a little moodier, a lot quieter...I'm the mediator, the planner, the control-freak.

Somehow, all our personalities click and balance each other's out perfectly. We kind of remind me of the episode of Friends where Phoebe tells Monica she's high-maintenance (me), that Rachel is a push-over (Samantha), and declares herself flaky (Kendall).

The writers of that show knew they had a good character balance of those three women, and that's exactly how my sisters and I are.

We are a wonderful balance of sweet and sassy, organized and carefree, open and guarded, loving and straightforad...thank God for sisters :)

♥ abigail