soul searching

Over the past six months, I've done a lot of soul searching. I didn't one day wake up and decide that I wanted to find myself (I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was), it was thrust upon me. After my boyfriend and I ended things, it just kind of happened. After the initial sadness was over, I was left with a lot of "me time" - something I hadn't had for a year-and-a-half.

It seems so cheesy to me that this me time has been such a blessing, but hey - you can't change something that is what it is! Over the past six months I've really had a lot of time to just think about everything...my life, what I want to do, who I want to be, how I want to live it...it's all very cliche and seems like something straight out of the movies (I swear my life this summer has been a romantic comedy), but I've been loving every minute of it.

I'm only 20 and I know have next to nothing figured out...but I think realizing that has made all the difference. I don't know that I used to think I had it all figured out, but being forced to be all by myself (the breakup) during a time when I was at a major crossroads (figuring out what to do with my life as far as a major/career goes) was really the push I needed to start to become a new person.

I was pretty comfortable with the person I used to be, but I think that was the problem - I was so comfortable. There's nothing wrong with the familiar, but I was so settled into my usual routine and so settled into my usual thoughts and outlooks on things that I needed things to be shaken up...I didn't plan on shaking things up.

I probably would have remained content with my life being quiet and comfortable and as figured out as it was. I probably would have continued living, coasting on what I knew and considering that to be enough. I probably wouldn't have wanted to change anything, wouldn't have felt the desire to think outside the box that I've put myself in since I was young. I probably would have been happy to have my biggest challenge be picking a major and a career. I probably never would have considered redefining who I am as a person...and I would have been okay.

But I would have been bored. I wouldn't have seized the opportunity to step into the unknown, alone and scared out of my mind. I wouldn't be where I am right now, alone and brave, eagerly looking forward to figuring things out...or not figuring things out - I can talk myself in circles in my own mind about how I feel about things, ending up right where I started with no answers and more questions...and it doesn't bother me. It just makes me think more, makes me explore me, makes me learn more.

I've never been like this before, and I am loving it.

I used to live for my comfort zone, and there was absolutely nothing you could do to drag me out of it. But I've come to realize that being pushed outside of my comfort zone has been the best thing for me.

The biggest change I've seen in myself is a newfound confidence. I was confident before, but (I didn't realize it at the time) there was something holding me back. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that that "something" was being comfortable. I wasn't being challenged, and what's more, I wasn't challenging myself.

This isn't to say that I'm being faced with challenges now...I'm just more welcoming of them. I don't run in the opposite direction of the unknown now. (I don't exactly run out to greet it either, but Rome wasn't built in a day!) By leaving my comfort zone, I have stepped into new situations and new thoughts and new ideas that I like to call life.

I may not be doing much. I may not be changing the world, and I may not know what I want to be, but that's okay because now I've opened all those doors for myself. I'm no longer defining myself based who I used to be or who I want to be - I'm not really defining myself at all. I'm just figuring it out, welcoming the changes, and running with it.

In thinking about undefining myself as well as defining myself, something that I turn over in my mind a lot is the box I used to put myself in. How did I get there? Did I put the pressure on myself to fit the mold? Was it my parents, my friends, my school? Who told me I had to get in that box? Why did I decide to stay there? Did I decide to stay there, or was it subconscious? Was I there just because that was the way it had always been?

I'm all for tradition, but I see no reason to follow something only because it's the way it has always been. If we kept things the way they always were, we'd never get anywhere...so why are people so resistant to change?

I'm not going to lie - I freak out about change. I get nervous, I worry, I wonder why you would even consider changing a good thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? But isn't it an okay idea to try to improve upon it, explore a new option or two, make a change?

That is what my life has become these days. I am easing my way out of my comfort zone, stepping back from everything I've ever believed just because I was told it was right...I'm redefining who I am, but I'm not letting that define me.

It makes sense in my head...and I'm realizing that that's really all that matters.

still searching...

♥ abigail