What a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, I was in a serious relationship. I always had someone to hang out with, to talk to, to share things with.

This year, I am single. I am often by myself, but that's okay. I still have someone I can always talk to (that's why God gave me sisters!), and these people actually appreciate listening to me (no, I'm not bitter. I'm realistic). I still have people to share things with.

I also have better grades.

Last year at this time, I lived a long mile away from campus. I schlepped my way to and from class every day, sometimes multiple times, before schlepping 1.8 miles to my boyfriend's house. I had to leave much earlier to get places on time (and sweat-free), and it always seemed like such a long walk to get back to a place I really didn't want to be in the first place.

This year, I live two blocks from campus. One-and-a-half, to be precise. I no longer have to schlep to class - I simply walk, taking my sweet time, relishing in the fact that I don't have to plan for a journey to get where I need to go. And when I walk home, I am going somewhere I want to be, which really makes a huge difference.

Last year at this time, I didn't know much about who I was. I was still filling the roles I'd been filling for so long without question, and didn't realize how discontented I was with that.

This year, I still don't know much about who I am. I still fill the roles I've been filling for so long, but now it's not for lack of questioning, but because I know that's who I want to be. I'm still exploring and still figuring things out, and I've gotten better at standing up for myself (even when the only person I'm standing up to is me), and I've given myself the opportunity to be whoever it is I want (and need) to be.

I love personal growth.

Last year at this time, I never would have dreamed of leaving the country for non-school related purposes. I had things to do, places to be, and I was in a rush to hurry up and get there.

This year, I am considering spending part of my summer volunteering abroad. I'm not sure if it will logistically work out, but the fact that I'm even considering it means a lot to me. I've started to slow down, to take second and third looks, and I've realized that I'm in no hurry to get out there in the big, bad, real world that's awaiting my graduation. I've decided to take my time for many reasons, and I'm happy with this decision.

Last year at this time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was stressed and confused, surrounded by people who seemed to have plans and seemed to have their lives figured out.

This year, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am no longer stressed, and I am no longer confused. I am surrounded by people who seem to have plans and who seem to have their lives figured out...but now I don't make the mistake of assuming they have it all together - because things are never as they seem. I'm pretty sure that even people with plans don't know exactly where they're going.

A favorite quote of mine comes from a musician I love, Jason Reeves. He fills his twitter with musings that succeed at making me think, and I can't get enough of this one and how much it fits my life:

"You can only be lost if you fall under the illusion that you know your destination. We are all wandering in wonder..."

I love this. Not only is it reassuring to hear that there's someone else out there who believes that you can be okay with out a plan (this is especially comforting to someone like me who struggles to function without plans), but I love when someone eloquently states a thought that has been wandering aimlessly through my brain with trouble turning into something coherent.

Last year at this time, I was probably already behind on my homework. Spending time with the boyfriend took precedent over my studies, something that I will definitely learn from. He's one of those naturally smart types who can basically look at the book and absorb information via osmosis.

So that might be exaggerating. But that's how I felt.

This year, I am ahead of the game in the homework department. I spent the weekend doing assignments, reading, and preparing myself for this week's classes, and am caught up through Wednesday. This took a lot of determination and focus, but I'm proud of myself for getting through it all...it's kind of nice to be able to come home after class and not immediately have to start working again.

Last year at this time, I thought I had it all figured out.

This year, I don't.

And that has made all the difference.

♥ abigail

pushing destiny

People spend a lot of their lives banking on the adage, "If it's meant to be, it will be."

I'd love to agree with that.

For the most part I do, but what I don't agree with is how people choose to handle this statement.

Many people take this statement and hold onto it for all it's worth. They figure that what's supposed to happen will happen, and they get lazy. The next thing we know, everyone's resting on their laurels waiting for things to happen, rather than making things happen.

This expression causes people to take things for granted and to sit around in anticipation of something happening, but that's not how life works.

This isn't to say that I know how life works. But I know that if you want to see results, you have to put in some sort of effort. I know that if you want to get somewhere, you have to move. I know that wanting something to happen and making something happen are two completely different things.

I know that wishing and hoping are all well and good, but can't get you very far. I know that as much as we'd like to, we can't rely on other people to do everything for us. I know that getting things done requires work.

Yes, people believe in God, in fate, in destiny, in karma...but none of those things will help us out if we're just sitting around and waiting for them to take the initiative for us.

Sometimes destiny needs a push in the right direction. Sometimes we need to get up, roll up our sleeves, and find ourselves up to our ears in a mess that is life.

But that's the point - life is for living. It's not going to wait for us to figure that out, either.

It's up to us to create our own destiny. We need to be self-reliant. We need to take a deep breath, and we need to dive in. We need to shake things up. We need to give life the opportunity to give back to us.

By making things happen for ourselves, we're allowing something greater than us to help guide things into place.

So yes, if it's meant to be, it will be - but only if you decide to do something about it.

What are you waiting for?

♥ abigail

when it all changed

This summer, my twentieth summer, has been far more significant than previous summers. I feel like this is the summer that I will look back on and say, "That was it. That's when it all changed."

How many moments in your life can you pinpoint like that? Despite all of the change I've gone through in my short 20 years on this earth, I can't really conjure up specific moments that I remember everything changing. So many things change little by little, so once everything is completely different than it was in the beginning, it's like nothing ever changed.

That's one thought too deep for an early Friday morning.

What exactly changed though? Besides nothing - and everything. While this summer I have figured a lot out, I've also realized that I know nothing. Okay, so that might be hyperbole. But I don't know as much as I thought I did - and I didn't even think I knew all that much...you do the math. It sure ain't pretty.

I've learned. I've grown. I've changed. And still, there is so much I don't know. It's not that I want to know everything right now, or ever, really. I just feel like once I figure something out, I lose something else - either because my new way of thinking causes me to have to look at something else differently, or because what I just discovered introduces me to something else to think about.

It's a beautiful, never-ending cycle. I know that it's one I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life, and I know that most of the time, I'll be able to handle that. Even now, I'm handling it. I'm slowly but surely piecing together the balance of it all, and soon deep thoughts such as these will be acknowledged, considered, and then I'll continue on with whatever it is I'm doing.

I've started to really appreciate the complexity of my thoughts. Yes, these thoughts leave me with more questions than answers, but they also leave me wanting more.

I want to learn more, to question more, to explore more.

I want to step further outside of myself and really take in the world around me.

And these exciting new transformations all took place during my twentieth summer...the summer when it all changed.

♥ abigail

a few things I've learned this summer...

1. Meeting new people isn't as difficult or scary as people think it is.

I've never really been scared of meeting new people, but then again, I've never really had to do it. I went a private, Catholic K-8 school, which (along with our sister middle school) fed into the private, Catholic high school in town. This means that I knew over half of my class when entering as freshman, and when you meet people when surrounded by your friends, you don't really have to meet them...you just kind of find out who everyone is and it all snowballs from there.

As a freshman in college, living with the 43 people I lived with in my co-op was all the icebreaker I needed to make new friends. This summer, I met people at weddings...this is when I learned that simply being in the same space as another person is all the conversation starter you need to start to get to know someone. I feel as if this will take me places in life.

Also taking me places in life will be my knack for making small talk, and then being able to turn that into a real conversation. Finally, something that running my mouth is good for!

2. You can get away with juggling multiple guys at once by calling it "dating".

This "old-fashioned" concept of dating really saved me this summer. There was a brief moment of overlap between some of the boys I'd been chatting up (with my newfound small-talk skills), and for that brief moment, I was a little concerned.

Okay, a lot concerned. Ask my mom. It was as if I was in some sort of moral crisis. I couldn't be consoled. I had trouble sleeping. I felt terrible. I worried. I stressed. I thought way too much. I watched TV shows and movies in which the girl was stuck in the middle of two fantastic guys, trying to draw inspiration from how she made her decision. I agonized for hours over what to do.

Then my wise mother informed me that this was called dating, and I didn't have to do anything. That calmed me down. My mom's moral compass points due north pretty much 100% of the time, so I knew that if she approved of what was going on, it had to be okay.

Once I had calmed down and realized that she was right, she made fun of me for randomly blurting out the following statements at random intervals if my conscience ever began to eat at me again:

"I'm 20, damnit!"

"They don't know about each other, right? You didn't say anything, right?"

(and, my personal favorite...)

"I don't see no ring on this finger!"

Ahh, dating. Love it!

3. The magic position for me to sit in on a plane to stop feeling nauseated.

I figured this one out the hard way on my way to California.

I get motion sickness really easily on planes, despite dosing up on Dramamine pre-flight. I don't do well with the first and last 20 minutes of each flight...plus recovery time, so while in the air I deal with about 50 minutes worth of nausea.

That made this flight to California was the worst kind for someone like me. We took off from Portland and had an hour-long flight to Reno, where we landed to pick up more passengers. This means that I had 10 minutes of time on the actual flight where I felt okay.

We then took off for the second leg of the flight, which lasted, oh, about 50 minutes.

Fantastic.

Needless to say, I had a terrible time on the flight and felt like I was about to throw up for pretty much the entire time.

I solved this problem by locking my left arm on the headrest of the seat in front of me, while resting my head in my right hand that was propped up by my elbow on the tray. Humming quietly to myself with my eyes closed completed my position, and I managed to keep my breakfast. Success!

4. Reading classics is a noble pursuit, but not as fun as reading "classic" books of your childhood.

Anna Karenina. Wuthering Heights. Jane Eyre. The Fountainhead. Atlas Shrugged. Emma. The Sun Also Rises.

These are the novels I set out to read at the beginning of the summer.

They remain in a neat stack next to my bed. I opened each and every one of them, read a few pages, got distracted, and never tried to read them again.

I instead occupied my time with my favorite books from my childhood - like The Babysitters Club series. I read a whole lotta those books this summer. Along with the entire Ramonaseries. And the entire Little House On the Prairie series. I don't feel as if I wasted my time either. I stand by my deep love for these books, and if I have daughters one day I hope they will love them too.

I really couldn't get over how much I still love the Little House series. Laura Ingalls Wilder knew how to write, that's for sure! She also knew (unbeknownst to her, of course) how to write about her experiences on the prairie (and in the big woods, and on the banks of Plum Creek, and by the shores of Silver Lake...) in such a way that makes a good ol' 21st century girl like me want to pack up and move to the middle of nowhere.

Don't even get me started on how wonderful I think life seemed back then...hard work, yes. But they spent their time so productively, they made everything they needed, they went to bed and got up according the the sun...they also wore bonnets and aprons and petticoats. And these people knew how to do things. They could handle life.

Sigh.

5. Sidewalk chalk artwork is a fantastic - and cheap - form of therapy.

I've been using sidewalk chalk with the kids I babysit all summer. A few weeks ago, I passed a 12-piece bucket of it in the $1 aisle at Target and just had to buy it. That evening, I spent a good hour in my driveway working on my art (I can't draw to save my life, so my version of "art" is always just writing my name all fancy-like).

See? It's all I got. But it works for me, and it made me feel like a little kid again, which is always a welcome feeling.

6. There is nothing better than holding a sleeping baby.

Seriously. That is better therapy than anything. Even sidewalk chalk. The baby I nanny for often snuggles up on my chest and just conks out for an hour...and hour I consider to be pure bliss. He falls asleep and I hold him, listening to his contented sighs...then I contentedly sigh, and often fall asleep too.

Pure. Bliss.

7. I am extremely blessed to have such a fantastic family.

I was able to see them on quite a few occasions this summer - two weddings (including 10 days in California), family camp out, beach trip, sleepovers...and on every occasion, I appreciated them more.

My family is awesome. See this post for further evidence.

I love them so much that I'm taking a special trip to Beaverton this weekend for the sole purpose of having a sleepover with my younger sister and cousin. That's a whole lotta love.

8. The best compliments aren't about how you look, but how you are.

This summer I spent a few days a week babysitting for a family whose oldest child has special needs. He is such a sweet kid, but watching him can be very trying. He's 11, and requires as much attention as his 3-year-old brother needs - if not more. I love watching him, but it definitely wears me out after a few hours (his parents are incredible - I don't know how they do it).

One day, I had to take him to the eye doctor to get his glasses adjusted. The staff there know and love him, and it all went smoothly. I didn't think anything of it until a few weeks ago when I babysat for him again. His mom told me that they had been back to the eye doctor recently, and that the woman there who had adjusted his glasses told her that her new babysitter was great with her son. She told her that I was incredibly patient with him, and that he was in good hands.

This woman didn't need to tell the mom this, and she in turn didn't have to tell me...but I am so glad she did, because it was the greatest compliment I have ever received.

9. The best kind of friends are the ones you can talk to as if no time has passed since you last talked, even though it's been months since your last contact.

One friend in particular and I have always been this way. We went to school together from kindergarten through high school. We were best friends in middle school, and drifted apart in high school for a while, before becoming good friends again our senior year.

With us, it doesn't matter how much time has passed - we pick up where we left off, talking loudly and for hours about everything we've missed over the past few months. We catch up on couches and on porch swings, while watching trashy TV shows and eating homemade goodies made especially for the occasion.

This girl knows me better than most of my friends, even when she doesn't have a clue as to what's going on in my life...I really think that this is the best kind of friend to have.

10. Walks on the beach are the best kind of date.

I like to keep things simple.

I don't require much, as long as I'm not hungry and don't have to go to the bathroom.

Walks on the beach at night...oh goodness. If that's not instant romance, I don't know what is.

So the ocean decides to come up really quickly and thoroughly soak your jeans. So you get a little sand in your hair.

Doesn't matter. It's perfect.

11. Weddings are more fun when you're in your 20s than when you're a teenager.

You don't get stuck sitting with your parents, for one. That makes it way easier right off the bat.

The open bar is a place you're more than welcome. The dance floor is your haven.

And then, you're 20. You're an adult, and you're no longer a teenager - at the same time. It's the best age for meeting new people. (Read: New boys.)

I went to four weddings this summer. Four fantastic weddings...all because I'm 20. And not 19.

12. Living at home is fantastic.

I love my siblings. I love my parents. I love my cat.

I love having a washing machine at my disposal. I love having a fridge and cupboard stocked with food that I didn't have to buy. I love having all of my mom's baking supplies. I love having someone to cook for me when I don't feel like it. I love having people to cook for when I do feel like it.

I love having my familiar room with my familiar bed. I love my bulletin board filled with quotes and pictures from high school. I love having a living room with an inviting couch and a TV with more than one channel.

I love having a backyard where I can bask in the sunshine without the nosy eyes of people walking by on me. I love being a place that is so familiar that I can navigate the expanse (which isn't very big, but whatever) in the dark.

I love home.

And those are some of the things I've learned this summer.

♥ abigail