Saturday, October 30, 2010

hope

I came across this article today...it moved me to tears.

I loved it.

It really goes to show that how we treat people can really impact them...which reminded me of this quote by Peggy Tabor Millin:

We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace.

Something to think about :)

♥ abigail

sigh of relief & betsey johnson

Remember the little incident from a few weeks ago? Well this evening was the first home game since that night...I was incredibly nervous for the post-game interview. Like, sweating buckets, almost begged my boss to have someone else do it, ready to nervous laugh at everything, nervous.

It turns out I had no need to be - after the game (another loss, which only added to my nerves) my coworker and I were waiting in the office and he came in, smiled, and said, "You're not gonna laugh tonight, are you Abigail?"

He was clearly joking, so I let out an appropriately timed laugh before apologizing and explaining myself again.

We conducted our interview, he congratulated me on not laughing, gave me a hug and told me it was in the past.

Such a huge sigh of relief...basically made my life...gave me license to enjoy my weekend!

I didn't realize I was so worked up about it, but now that I know I'm officially forgiven, I see that I was still kind of worried about it.

But that's all behind me now, thank goodness!

After the game, one of my roomies from freshman year came over with a potential Halloween costume for me...a fabulous Betsey Johnson confection, I was the perfect Queen Frostine...remember her? From Candyland?

Here's Queen Frostine...


And here is my sweet little old roomie (dressed as a pharmacist) and little ol' me as Queen Frostine:


We headed off to a dance for a few hours before calling it a night so I can get some rest before working tomorrow's football game.

Not that much rest has happened yet...so far I've watched two episodes of Gilmore Girls, texted everyone in my phonebook to see if I could get any drunk-o replies (I enjoy getting texts from people not in their right state...cracks me up! Don't worry, I don't use any information I receive via drunk text against anyone...I just giggle and move on with my life), cleaned my room (I can't fall asleep if anything is out of place...it's a problem when I want to sleep, but it's always nice to wake up to), and not taken off the beautiful dress...I can't bring myself too, it's far too pretty and fun and amazing and wonderful! Plus, taking it off means returning it to my friend, which means I won't get to wear it again for a very long time (if ever)...and really, when is Betsey Johnson ever appropriate Oregon attire?

The answer to that question is almost never.

Hope everyone had a lovely Friday and has a great weekend!

♥ abigail

Friday, October 29, 2010

fill in the blank friday

This week was insane. Like, completely crazy. And it's showing no sign of letting up over the weekend...so hopefully I'll get around to telling you about everything that's been going on in my life later!

For now, I leave you with another edition of Fill In the Blank Friday...link up here at Lauren's blog if you'd like to play along!


1. My Halloween plans this year will include working at the football game on Saturday, then doing homework all day and not getting to partake in any festivities due to having to get up at 5:00 a.m. on Sunday to go to Portland to do more work for my internship...I hope this job takes me places one day!

2. My most memorable Halloween costume was when I was a duck in the fourth grade. My mom used to get Family Fun magazine and she never ever ever bought us costumes - they were always homemade. My duck costume consisted of a hat with a yellow bill and big eyes glued on, green pants, orange webbed feet over my shoes, and a yellow turtleneck with wings attached...so ridiculous but totally perfect. That was the last Halloween I really dressed up...I never really liked Halloween much as a kid!

3. For Halloween this year I'm going to be nothing...I have to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I need to spend the rest of my time being a good student...I have cat ears and a tail just in case I find a moment to head to a party or two, but odds aren't looking too good at this point. Seriously, 5:00 a.m. wake-up calls are not being good to me!

4. I've always wanted to dress up as Tinkerbell, Belle, or Esmarelda...I've always loved the Disney princesses. My roommates and I decided to start scouring Goodwill now for costume options for next year, so hopefully one of the costumes will be in my future!

5. Halloween free association! Pumpkins, spiders, Disney Channel movie marathons, candy corn, hot apple cider, and donuts.

6. The worst thing about Halloween is the costumes these days are far too trashy for my liking...Mean Girls got it right when they said it's a day girls get to dress however they want without getting judged for it...but I'm not gonna lie, if you're revealing every inch or your skin just because you can, I'm gonna judge you a little! Trashy costumes being the norm also make it hard for me to find anything I like, so I always end up being the same thing (that cat I referenced earlier).

7. The best thing about Halloween is that it's in October, my favorite month of the year :) I really could totally live without it.

♥ abigail

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

you know you're a college student when...

...you find yourself wearing two pairs of pants, four layers of shirts, your leopard-print Snuggie, and a hat to keep warm. Inside your room.

It's getting colder these days, but I am far too frugal to turn on my heat, especially when I'm almost warm with the combination of clothes I'm wearing, plus hot cups of tea every few hours.

Also, I fear my bed would set on fire if I turned on my heat...it's an old house, so my heater is one of those units that comes out from the wall. No, that's not its technical name...but it's the best I got, okay?

My room is so small, so my bed has to be pushed right up against the heater...so really, turning it on is out of the question.

So until I get rich (ha!) I will continue on with my bundling up method of staying warm. Hey, it works!

♥abigail

taking control

As you may know, I am obsessed with quotes.

I tried to count how many are in my room right now, and lost track - they are tacked up on bulletin boards, plastered on my walls, stuck on the shelves above my desks, and taped up all around the mirror on my closet door.

My favorite quotes tend to be a little cheesy...I really like daily inspiration and affirmation.

My favorite right now is in my room and my bathroom, and is from Bill Cosby:

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

This has become my mantra these days. Every day I make the conscious decision to take charge of my own life, to make the big decisions that need to be made - because if I let fear get to me, what am I left with? Not a lot.

I don't want to reach the end of my life and look back with wishes - not necessarily regret, but pangs of longing for not doing what I could have done out of fear.

Because honestly, what is there to be afraid of? It's only life - and what's more, it's the only one we get. I don't mean to sound like a motivational poster, but that's really something I've been focusing on lately.

While I've been in college, I've been blessed to have people in my life who push me to get past my fears. They are the people who fit a quote posted on my wall right next to my desk:
"Nobody knows your limits better than you do, but every once in a while somebody will question all you know, and they will push you for the better."
I love these people.

One person tried for a good chunk of time...he ended up getting fed up with my inability to conquer my fears of everything. After he was gone, I started getting braver. I'm not sure exactly how that worked...looking back, I think when I had him being brave for me, it allowed me to further immerse myself in the role of meek, timid Abigail. (Not that I'm a meek or timid person by any means...I'm usually pretty take-charge and authoritative, but there are some situations that I shut down in.)

Another person came into my life this summer who didn't so much push me into conquering fears, but he had this great seize-the-day attitude that was nothing short of infectious.

His passion for living was so inspiring that it got me thinking about how my life so far hadn't been passion-driven or exciting or seized.

I didn't realize that he had such an impact on my thinking until recently. I called him for advice when I felt like my life was falling apart due to my lack of direction, and he worked his magic until I calmed down and felt like I had a better grip on things.

After that conversation, I started seriously considering what direction I wanted my life to take, and how I was going to make things happen...and even though things aren't turning out like we discussed, he still somehow helped point me in the direction that I'm going now. And let me tell you - this direction is very exciting, and I will hopefully have news about it to share sometime soon.

The point of all this is that I have decided to stop living scared. I need to take chances, step outside of my comfort zone, and realize that actually living is more important than fear.

So here goes nothing...or here goes everything. But I'm going, and I'm not going to hold myself back anymore - because really, what's the point?

Thanks to those who helped me realize that.

♥abigail

Monday, October 25, 2010

you know you're a college student when...

...you camp out all night (in the rain) for tickets for this weekend's football game.

In this situation, I'm not much of a college student...thanks to my job at the athletic department, I have an All-Access pass that gets me into whatever game I want.

It should be noted that I don't like football...so if I didn't have my pass, I wouldn't camp out anyway...but that's a different story.

I did camp out one time. But that was freshman year when I wasn't an athletic department intern and when I was young and naive...it was also for house bonding...I lived in a co-ed co-op...I'll let you do the math on that one.

I don't think I even ended up going to that game...but again, that's a different story.

So if you're a normal college student (read: a student who likes football and doesn't have an internship with the athletic department), you're braving in the rains and winds of Oregon to get your tickets for Saturday.

Two of my roomies have been out there since around 5:00 p.m., and one just left (waking me up in the process, which explains why I'm up at 1:00 a.m.) to join them after she got back from work.

I think they're all sorts of crazy.

So essentially, what this boils down to is that you know you're a college student if you're crazy.

I kid, I kid.

Sort of...

♥ abigail

Saturday, October 23, 2010

you know you're a college student when...

...you rub a dryer sheet all over a pair of sweats (that you've worn for a week straight) and deem them clean enough to wear.

I think this will be a fun new topic for my blog.

I have so many moments in my life when I stop, laugh, and think to myself, "Wow, I am such a college student right now."

Hopefully whenever I have these moments I'll remember to make note of it so I can share them with my lovely seven readers :)

Hope everyone is having a lovely Saturday!

♥ abigail

Friday, October 22, 2010

fill in the blank friday

Oh, long week...thank you for going quickly and for (almost) being over!

Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic week.

I stayed ahead of my homework (for the fourth week in a row, which is quite an achievement in the world of college), went to a fantastic college group, had quality time with my roommates, caught up with a people I hadn't talked to in a while, and got through another week.

I thought a certain date this week was going to be tough to get through, but I am in such a good place right now that I didn't spend too much time thinking about it - and we all know that "It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live." (Thanks, Dumbledore.)

More about all of these things later this weekend.

Hopefully.

For now, I will leave you with a little Fill In the Blank Friday, which never fails to get my writer's block to go away for a while...link up here at Lauren's blog if you'd like to play along!


1. I am eternally optimistic...I always expect the best from people and expect for them to do the right thing. I am confident that everything will turn out as it should be, even though it may not always seem that way.

2. I wish that we could go back to when times were simpler...when people weren't ruled by computers and cell-phones. When people grew their own food, built their own homes, and lived off of the land...when people knew their neighbors, when families stayed together, when people welcomed strangers into their homes with open arms.

3. I like sunshine, bows, words, the beach, books, cleaning, making people happy, Tom Hanks, quotes, and fall.

4. I can get too caught up in planning and analyzing and worrying...I find myself obsessing over little details and plans and not enough time actually doing things.

5. I hope that I never stop learning. I think that the world's too big, with too many things in it, for anyone to ever completely grasp something.

6. I think people (myself included) are far too hard on themselves. And I think we spend too much time criticizing and not enough time appreciating. I think we all need to learn to love and laugh a little more.

7. I was once told that "love always wins." And I still believe it.

♥ abigail

Sunday, October 17, 2010

the little things

The older I get, the easier it is for me to be happy.

You'd think it'd be the opposite, considering the fact that kids are experts on enjoying the little things in life...but somehow, as I've grown up, I've found that it doesn't take much to make me happy.

Today I was driving back to school after a nice weekend spent at home, and I was so happy. I was happy to be on Highway 99, I was happy to have enjoyed my weekend, I was happy with the weather...in essence, I was happy with everything.

Always inquisitive, I tried to put my finger on why I was so happy...and I couldn't think of a reason.

Highway 99 is probably nothing special to most people, but to me it is a beautiful road that connects my two homes. Its lovely farm scenery inspires my thinking and boosts my spirit, and it further solidifies my desire to live somewhere outside of the city.

My weekend was also nothing spectacular - I spent most of it with family, which is always a joy for me. I spent Saturday in Portland with my mom to watch my brother's cross country race, which also crossed my path with my grandma, uncle, and ex-boyfriend's parents (I love his mom dearly). I spent today at church, doing homework, doing laundry, watching football with my brother, and catching up with my sister.

The weather this weekend was my favorite kind - cold and sunny. It's the kind of weather that encourages people to wear boots, jackets, scarves, and hats...my favorite kinds of clothes. I love that my favorite clothes and favorite season go hand in hand...and I love that I rocked my new boots this weekend. Icing on the cake, definitely.

If you look at the things that made me happy on that short 45-minute drive back to school, you can see that there wasn't anything major there that should have made me grin ear-to-ear like I did. Nothing out of the ordinary or especially fantastic...it was just the little things.

And that's what it takes to make me happy.

If you think about it, our lives are made up of little things - even the big moments aren't really that big, because they too can be broken up into something much smaller.

A big, happy moment for my family and I this summer was my uncle's wedding. That in and of itself was huge, but break it down and you can see that we were happy because of all the details...yes, he got married, and we were so happy for him and his wife.

But what's more, we were together. We were at the beach. We were celebrating love. We were bringing families together. We were relaxing. We were in the sunshine. We were eating at Pinkberry for the first time. We were taking walks. We were sleeping in. We were cooking. We were all under the same roof. We were sitting on the balcony, taking in the mornings slowly. We were laughing.

It's really all about the little things...and I'm glad I have that figured out. Because now I've realized that even if the big picture isn't turning out exactly how I want it to, that's okay, because the little things along the way are what matter.

Add in the fact that I know I will end up exactly where I need to be, and I can rest easy and really appreciate the fact that the little things are my life...and I love my life.

♥ abigail

Saturday, October 16, 2010

writer's block...again

I've been trying to write a post for over an hour.

I'm trying to find a balance between blogging about the goings-on of my life (I'm sure one day I'll love to look back and remember) and things I feel actually matter...and lately, my writing about things that matter have been sub-par at best. Until they're up to my (probably too high) standards, my poor little blog will seem mostly neglected. Again.

But that's okay. Because even though I'm having trouble writing, I'm filling my time with life, which is good enough for me!

And to hold you over, here's something to read form someone who doesn't have writer's block (or several midterms to study for, a paper to write, and ejercicios to complete):

Jimmy Sanchez, one of the 33 Chilean miners who have been trapped for over two months in the San Jose copper-gold mine in the Atacama Desert, would like to make one small correction to all the stories about life in the mine:

“There are actually 34 of us,” the nineteen-year-old miner wrote in a letter sent up from the mine on Tuesday, "because God has never left us down here."

How wonderful is that? It warms my heart, it really does. Read the rest here.

♥ abigail

Friday, October 15, 2010

fill in the blank friday

What a week.

It was incredibly busy and full and wonderful, and it got me thinking all sorts of stuff...but more on that in future posts.

As a nice little end to my week, I am currently relaxing on my parents' couch in Eugene, watching The Holiday, one of my favorite movies...I am also taking part in today's Fill In the Blank Friday with Lauren at the little things we do... Link up at her website if you want to join in on the fun!

1. Blogging is a way for me to get out my thoughts...I have so much to say, and instead of just hiding it away in my journal like I ususally do, I can share it here.

2. A current fashion trend I wish I was brave enough to wear is...I'm not sure. I stick to basics/classics when it comes to my wardrobe because that's just my style, not because I'm not brave. If I had the funds I'd probably try anything!

3. My greatest accomplishment in life thus far is on it's way. When it comes, I'll let you know!

4. If I could choose between a mountain or a beach vacation I'd choose the beach, hands down. I am such a beach girl - I attribute it to my dad's Hawaiian genes. I never get tired of the sand, the ocean, the smell...I love warm, sunny beaches as well as the cold, windy Oregon coast. Put me near a beach, and I'm a happy girl!

5. A talent I wish I had is being able to do my hair and make-up. I pretty much always look the same, whether I'm going to class or out to a nice dinner.

6. A talent I do have is being able to find the restroom in any building within moments of walking into it.

7. This week has gone by so incredibly quickly. I've been so busy the entire time, and the weekend is definitely being welcomed with open arms right now.

♥ abigail

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

a weekend in a day

I mean to write this post sooner, and I have no excuse for not except that life is happening right now.

I am doing my best this term to keep up with my classes and my grades and my fitness and my friends and family that other things fall by the wayside. Like sleep.

But it's all good.

After Saturday night's incident, I really needed a good weekend...and that's exactly what I got. I somehow managed to cram a weekend's worth of fun into one day...and I loved every minute of it. Almost. You'll see.

I need to get to bed so I can get up in the morning and review for my tests I have tomorrow, so you get the cliffnotes version...but only if I can write that little.

So we'll see.

After a horrible night of sleep on Saturday (every time I would start drifting off, some loud ruckus - either inside or outside my house - would snap me out of it, leaving me awake and grumpy for a while), I got up to head to the Portland area for the day.

I hadn't seen my favorite cousin for a month, so we were due for a visit. After arriving at her house, we headed to Roloff Farms (yes, as in the Roloff's from the TLC show Little People, Big World), which was about 15 minutes away.

We spent a while touring the farm, hanging out in the pumpkin patch, and looking at the animals. We managed to track down a few of the Roloff's so my cousin could get her picture with them...she was extremely starstruck when Jeremy remembered her from last year...it was entirely adorable.

Here I am with a pumpkin...and my new(ish) haircut. Told you I'd get around to sharing it!


After we left the farm we hit up Sephora for a few essentials for me (hello, Hope In a Jar and Purity!) before heading back to my cousin's house so I could get ready to see Tyler Hilton in concert.

Yes, the same Tyler Hilton as last year...remember him?

Yeah, me too!

It was a great show, despite the fact that it took me forever to get there...I don't know Portland well at all, and my cousin accidentally printed directions to the wrong theater. I arrived in one piece and before the show started, so all was well.

The concert itself was fabulous, and I also was fortunate to enjoy time with two old friends. We went to school together from kindergarten through our senior year in high school, so when we're together it's incredibly easy to just pick up where we left off.

I love those kinds of friends. More than I love Tyler Hilton's music even.

Seriously.

I left the concert with a dead phone and directions in hand, only to get lost once again...this time it was slightly more stressful, since it was late and dark, and did I mention my phone was dead?

I finally found my way back to my cousin's (I had left some things there on accident that I need for school), and was finally heading home around 11:30.

Of course, this was the moment when I got pulled over.

I had never been pulled over before, so I was a little nervous. The road had been completely empty - this cop showed up literally out of nowhere - and I must have zoned out and not used my signal to change lanes. This resulted in getting pulled over and (luckily) getting left off with a warning.

I drove very carefully home, and arrived around 1:00 a.m. I proceeded to do a little homework, get a few hours of sleep, and then do homework all morning until my Spanish presentation.

I hoped my week would slow down after that, but it hasn't showed any sign of letting up.

Don't get me wrong, I would rather be busy than bored...but combine my busy weekend with not a lot of sleep, and you get a girl craving a moment to sit and relax.

I'm never doing just one thing anymore. I study while eating. I read during commercial breaks. I quiz myself while in the shower and cooking dinner. I go over notes while on the elliptical. I multi-task everything, and while I'm glad I have that option, I would love to be able to do just one thing at a time.

This weekend I hope to head home for a day or two for some much needed relaxation...until then, I'll be busy busy busy!

Hopefully this weekend I'll have some time to write again...really write. While I like staying in practice with these little updates, I have so many bigger thoughts floating around in my head that I feel are so worth me writing about. My comm class is really getting me to think, and I have post-it notes everywhere reminding me of topics I want to ramble on about...so stay tuned!

♥ abigail


Saturday, October 9, 2010

my downfall

Nervous laughter will be my downfall.

In situations where I feel uncomfortable, my natural (and, let me add, uncontrollable) reaction is to laugh.

I've been like this for as long as I remember. It gets me in trouble, or at least earns me a lot of grief.

When I was in seventh grade, a strict substitute said something to my class that made me nervous. I giggled, received the death glare, and promptly began to cry.

In eighth grade, I watched a boy in my class almost cut off his lower lip. Yes, you read that correctly. Of course, I laughed. My class was buzzing at this point, so only a few people noticed. They said something, and my teacher came to my defense, informing all the ignorant eighth graders (including myself) that sometimes people laugh when they get nervous.

This diagnosed all of my problems, and I was glad to know about it.

During high school, when boys would ask me out, I would often get nervous and giggle before rejecting them...making me seem like the biggest you-know-what in the world, when really, I just didn't know how to respond to such advances.

I attributed these events, and many others, to my nervous laughter, and I've gone on living my life without a problem.

Tonight my nervous laughter at work caused someone much higher above me authority-wise (astronomically so) to feel as if I were insulting him and joking about situation that wasn't at all humorous.

I quickly apologized, explaining I laugh when I get nervous and that I intended no disrespect whatsoever. I apologized again when we were wrapping up our conversation, and he accepted it.

But I still feel terrible, and I still get a little emotional (read: I cry) when I think about it. Okay, so it only happened like, 30 minutes ago, but I'm still extremely upset. So there you go.

I don't know why this instance feels so much worse than all the others, but it does. And I don't know what else there is for me to do - I sincerely apologized, so what more is there than that?

It doesn't help that a person who would normally reassure me in this situation is either ignoring me or too busy to talk to me right now.

Doesn't really matter, considering I hate talking when I'm upset (read: crying) anyway.

But still. I feel awful, awful, awful.

Stupid nervous laughter.

♥ abigail

Friday, October 8, 2010

Today is Friday.

Thank goodness.

It has been a long week, and I spent too much of it in a funk. In trying to snap out of it, I'm taking today's post in a new (read: fun) direction...here is today's Fill In the Blank Friday, brought to me (and you) by Lauren at the little things we do...


1. The first thing I do in the morning to start my day is check what time it is and spend a minute or two basking in the comfortable cocoon that is my bed.

2. Today I wish I was lounging on a warm, sunny beach. The beach makes me unbelievably happy, unbelievably content. I could use a day where I could be happy and content and not have it interrupted by anything else going on!

3. If I had an extra $100 in my bank account today I'd treat myself to a mini-shopping spree at Buffalo Exchange or Sephora.

4. Tomorrow is far too set in stone. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, including a trip to Portland on Sunday, so I wrote out my schedule (down to the minute) - Saturday is reserved for homework and work.

5. Two things that don't go together are me and football. My internship requires me to work at football games, and it really isn't my cup of tea.

6. Something I can never pass up at the grocery store is an Us Weekly with a story I'm interested in on the cover. I usually try to skim it quickly in the checkout line rather than buy it though...it's so much more worth my money to not buy a few magazines and buy a book I want instead.

7. The last time I tried something new was today when I cooked a new recipe. I made this lemon orzo salad - yum!

♥ abigail

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

phone calls and boys

"And I said, 'Baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely...'"
- Sorry by Maria Mena

A very pretty song, and one of my favorites to listen to when I'm feeling sad or lonely.

I wanted to make this kind of phone call the other night.

Despite what the lyrics suggest, it isn't a booty call kind of song...it's really about being lonely and needing some sort of companionship, in this case from someone who you once were with romantically.

Sigh.

I had just had a great day that somehow ended up being one of "those" nights...and I'm not sure why. When I know what's bothering me, it's much easier to deal with - I let myself wallow for a millisecond to a day or two (depending on the situation) before kicking myself back into gear, adjusting my attitude, and getting on with the rest of my life.

On the other hand, when I don't know what's bothering me, I get all sorts of confused. I end up spending a lot of time dwelling, wallowing, and eating chocolate. This doesn't help me in any way, shape, or form. I stay there in square one, not knowing what to do or how to snap out of it - what can you do when all you know is that you're feeling down for no apparent reason?

That's a toughie.

Anyway. So regardless of the reason, there I was, having one of "those" nights.

I felt lonely and sad, despite the fact that I was surrounded by people and had just had a nice evening.

I listened to this song, then really wanted to call someone...but who?

My mind first went to "Boy Number One". (Love the vagueness, right? It's not as if anyone really reads this, but I feel as if this is a situation in which a person's identity deserves to be protected. Mostly for my sake. Also, being vague allows me to deny any questions that may come up if anyone reads this and tries to figure out who I'm talking about.)

"Boy Number One" is a good friend and an ex, and I would have loved to talk to him...unfortunately, this really wasn't in the cards for the night, because he's currently out of the country. A quick call on his cell really wasn't going to work out, so I briefly considered a facebook message.

As I know from my own experience (and have recently discussed in Interpersonal Communication), it's difficult to get anything you write to express exactly what you want it to to when sharing it across the world wide web. "Boy Number One" isn't exactly expressive, so getting any thoughts back beyond "oh. okay." would be a stretch. Throw in the fact that he's have to sit down and take time to craft some sort of response (even just "oh. okay."), I decided that it wasn't a good idea.

Thinking further, I realized it probably wasn't a good idea because he's in some sort of mood where he feels awkward about our friendship. He hasn't said it in so many words, but I know that it's the case. He claims that due to my "girl brain" he has to steer clear of any deep communication, but I think his "boy brain" is working overtime far more than mine has been as of late.

Thinking even further, I remembered the time difference and "Boy Number One" was removed from the list.

So naturally, I moved on to "Boy Number Two", a great guy who is always fantastic to talk to.

You know those people in your life who you just click with right away - the one's who are so easy to talk to? Even if you don't know you have have something important to say, they somehow manage to get it out of you. They help you organize your thoughts as you stumble over them, thinking out-loud as you ramble on, trying to reach some sort of finalized point. They also end up offering you advice and encouragement that you didn't know you needed on topics you didn't know you needed to talk about.

You know, that kind of person.

They're kind of sketch, actually. I always wonder how and where they get their information.

Maybe they're just intuitive; who really knows...but I know that I am lucky to have such a person.

Sort of. Because in my life, there's always a catch.

So, for kicks and giggle, let's throw in another time difference. Calling someone, even a night owl like "Boy Number Two", at 3:56 in the morning is just not something I'd do to a person in a non-emergency situation.

Let's also factor in that our last conversation, while fantastic, ended in a strange place. This is a time when my "girl brain" is actually in super-hyper-over-analyzing mode, so I decided to leave well enough alone and not make the call.

Because really, it's an awkward situation when you feel like you can't call a person, even if they said you could...and when your girl brain decides that them saying you could really meant you couldn't...well, oh boy. Let's not even go there.

Maybe if it hadn't been 3:56 a.m. his time, I would have tested the waters with a text to see if a phone call would have been acceptable. Maybe next time.

One day I'll be a grown-up, I promise.

Just not today.

Probably not tomorrow either.

With the option of "Boy Number Two" thrown out the window, it was clearly time to move on to the aptly named "Boy Number Three".

The only of the three who lives in the same time zone as I do, I talk to this boy via text several times a week at the very least. While that's all well and good, he's not exactly a big talker.

Sure, "Boy Number One" isn't either, but at least he has proven to be capable of performing a coherent thought. "Boy Number Three"? Not so much. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy...but I have a feeling this conversation required more insight than he'd be able to offer me.

So, despite the convenience of it being the same decent-ish hour for the both of us, he was just not someone I really should call. It's not quite that desperate of a time. Yet.

The thing is, I don't even know what it is I wanted to talk about with any of these boys. I didn't really have much to say to any of them, except that I was lonely and could use a friend.

I don't know why I only wanted to call boys either.

I have roommates who I love and who I can talk to. I had spent a good chunk of the afternoon and evening with them, but for some reason they weren't helping me out in the loneliness department.

And it's not as if I don't have people in my life who know me better than I know myself (I love having sisters, who are really my best friends)...but there is a certain void in my life right now, and I hate to say it, but I think it can only be filled by a boy.

I hate that.

It makes me feel weak that I feel the need to have a guy in my life...but when I phrase it like that it makes me feel angry, because it's not a very accurate description of what I really think.

I'm not sad without a boyfriend. I've functioned just fine without one before, and I've been functioning just fine without one for quite a while now. But there are those days when I miss it - when I miss having someone's hand to hold. When I miss someone to take walks with. When I miss having someone to always be there, to make me feel safe and secure and wanted...and to make me feel as if I weren't alone.

I miss that, and I think that's why I felt so lonely.

It's probably good that I didn't make a phone call.

Here's to another quiet, contemplative night...

♥ abigail

Monday, October 4, 2010

What a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, I was in a serious relationship. I always had someone to hang out with, to talk to, to share things with.

This year, I am single. I am often by myself, but that's okay. I still have someone I can always talk to (that's why God gave me sisters!), and these people actually appreciate listening to me (no, I'm not bitter. I'm realistic). I still have people to share things with.

I also have better grades.

Last year at this time, I lived a long mile away from campus. I schlepped my way to and from class every day, sometimes multiple times, before schlepping 1.8 miles to my boyfriend's house. I had to leave much earlier to get places on time (and sweat-free), and it always seemed like such a long walk to get back to a place I really didn't want to be in the first place.

This year, I live two blocks from campus. One-and-a-half, to be precise. I no longer have to schlep to class - I simply walk, taking my sweet time, relishing in the fact that I don't have to plan for a journey to get where I need to go. And when I walk home, I am going somewhere I want to be, which really makes a huge difference.

Last year at this time, I didn't know much about who I was. I was still filling the roles I'd been filling for so long without question, and didn't realize how discontented I was with that.

This year, I still don't know much about who I am. I still fill the roles I've been filling for so long, but now it's not for lack of questioning, but because I know that's who I want to be. I'm still exploring and still figuring things out, and I've gotten better at standing up for myself (even when the only person I'm standing up to is me), and I've given myself the opportunity to be whoever it is I want (and need) to be.

I love personal growth.

Last year at this time, I never would have dreamed of leaving the country for non-school related purposes. I had things to do, places to be, and I was in a rush to hurry up and get there.

This year, I am considering spending part of my summer volunteering abroad. I'm not sure if it will logistically work out, but the fact that I'm even considering it means a lot to me. I've started to slow down, to take second and third looks, and I've realized that I'm in no hurry to get out there in the big, bad, real world that's awaiting my graduation. I've decided to take my time for many reasons, and I'm happy with this decision.

Last year at this time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was stressed and confused, surrounded by people who seemed to have plans and seemed to have their lives figured out.

This year, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am no longer stressed, and I am no longer confused. I am surrounded by people who seem to have plans and who seem to have their lives figured out...but now I don't make the mistake of assuming they have it all together - because things are never as they seem. I'm pretty sure that even people with plans don't know exactly where they're going.

A favorite quote of mine comes from a musician I love, Jason Reeves. He fills his twitter with musings that succeed at making me think, and I can't get enough of this one and how much it fits my life:

"You can only be lost if you fall under the illusion that you know your destination. We are all wandering in wonder..."

I love this. Not only is it reassuring to hear that there's someone else out there who believes that you can be okay with out a plan (this is especially comforting to someone like me who struggles to function without plans), but I love when someone eloquently states a thought that has been wandering aimlessly through my brain with trouble turning into something coherent.

Last year at this time, I was probably already behind on my homework. Spending time with the boyfriend took precedent over my studies, something that I will definitely learn from. He's one of those naturally smart types who can basically look at the book and absorb information via osmosis.

So that might be exaggerating. But that's how I felt.

This year, I am ahead of the game in the homework department. I spent the weekend doing assignments, reading, and preparing myself for this week's classes, and am caught up through Wednesday. This took a lot of determination and focus, but I'm proud of myself for getting through it all...it's kind of nice to be able to come home after class and not immediately have to start working again.

Last year at this time, I thought I had it all figured out.

This year, I don't.

And that has made all the difference.

♥ abigail