Wednesday, October 6, 2010

phone calls and boys

"And I said, 'Baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely...'"
- Sorry by Maria Mena

A very pretty song, and one of my favorites to listen to when I'm feeling sad or lonely.

I wanted to make this kind of phone call the other night.

Despite what the lyrics suggest, it isn't a booty call kind of's really about being lonely and needing some sort of companionship, in this case from someone who you once were with romantically.


I had just had a great day that somehow ended up being one of "those" nights...and I'm not sure why. When I know what's bothering me, it's much easier to deal with - I let myself wallow for a millisecond to a day or two (depending on the situation) before kicking myself back into gear, adjusting my attitude, and getting on with the rest of my life.

On the other hand, when I don't know what's bothering me, I get all sorts of confused. I end up spending a lot of time dwelling, wallowing, and eating chocolate. This doesn't help me in any way, shape, or form. I stay there in square one, not knowing what to do or how to snap out of it - what can you do when all you know is that you're feeling down for no apparent reason?

That's a toughie.

Anyway. So regardless of the reason, there I was, having one of "those" nights.

I felt lonely and sad, despite the fact that I was surrounded by people and had just had a nice evening.

I listened to this song, then really wanted to call someone...but who?

My mind first went to "Boy Number One". (Love the vagueness, right? It's not as if anyone really reads this, but I feel as if this is a situation in which a person's identity deserves to be protected. Mostly for my sake. Also, being vague allows me to deny any questions that may come up if anyone reads this and tries to figure out who I'm talking about.)

"Boy Number One" is a good friend and an ex, and I would have loved to talk to him...unfortunately, this really wasn't in the cards for the night, because he's currently out of the country. A quick call on his cell really wasn't going to work out, so I briefly considered a facebook message.

As I know from my own experience (and have recently discussed in Interpersonal Communication), it's difficult to get anything you write to express exactly what you want it to to when sharing it across the world wide web. "Boy Number One" isn't exactly expressive, so getting any thoughts back beyond "oh. okay." would be a stretch. Throw in the fact that he's have to sit down and take time to craft some sort of response (even just "oh. okay."), I decided that it wasn't a good idea.

Thinking further, I realized it probably wasn't a good idea because he's in some sort of mood where he feels awkward about our friendship. He hasn't said it in so many words, but I know that it's the case. He claims that due to my "girl brain" he has to steer clear of any deep communication, but I think his "boy brain" is working overtime far more than mine has been as of late.

Thinking even further, I remembered the time difference and "Boy Number One" was removed from the list.

So naturally, I moved on to "Boy Number Two", a great guy who is always fantastic to talk to.

You know those people in your life who you just click with right away - the one's who are so easy to talk to? Even if you don't know you have have something important to say, they somehow manage to get it out of you. They help you organize your thoughts as you stumble over them, thinking out-loud as you ramble on, trying to reach some sort of finalized point. They also end up offering you advice and encouragement that you didn't know you needed on topics you didn't know you needed to talk about.

You know, that kind of person.

They're kind of sketch, actually. I always wonder how and where they get their information.

Maybe they're just intuitive; who really knows...but I know that I am lucky to have such a person.

Sort of. Because in my life, there's always a catch.

So, for kicks and giggle, let's throw in another time difference. Calling someone, even a night owl like "Boy Number Two", at 3:56 in the morning is just not something I'd do to a person in a non-emergency situation.

Let's also factor in that our last conversation, while fantastic, ended in a strange place. This is a time when my "girl brain" is actually in super-hyper-over-analyzing mode, so I decided to leave well enough alone and not make the call.

Because really, it's an awkward situation when you feel like you can't call a person, even if they said you could...and when your girl brain decides that them saying you could really meant you couldn't...well, oh boy. Let's not even go there.

Maybe if it hadn't been 3:56 a.m. his time, I would have tested the waters with a text to see if a phone call would have been acceptable. Maybe next time.

One day I'll be a grown-up, I promise.

Just not today.

Probably not tomorrow either.

With the option of "Boy Number Two" thrown out the window, it was clearly time to move on to the aptly named "Boy Number Three".

The only of the three who lives in the same time zone as I do, I talk to this boy via text several times a week at the very least. While that's all well and good, he's not exactly a big talker.

Sure, "Boy Number One" isn't either, but at least he has proven to be capable of performing a coherent thought. "Boy Number Three"? Not so much. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy...but I have a feeling this conversation required more insight than he'd be able to offer me.

So, despite the convenience of it being the same decent-ish hour for the both of us, he was just not someone I really should call. It's not quite that desperate of a time. Yet.

The thing is, I don't even know what it is I wanted to talk about with any of these boys. I didn't really have much to say to any of them, except that I was lonely and could use a friend.

I don't know why I only wanted to call boys either.

I have roommates who I love and who I can talk to. I had spent a good chunk of the afternoon and evening with them, but for some reason they weren't helping me out in the loneliness department.

And it's not as if I don't have people in my life who know me better than I know myself (I love having sisters, who are really my best friends)...but there is a certain void in my life right now, and I hate to say it, but I think it can only be filled by a boy.

I hate that.

It makes me feel weak that I feel the need to have a guy in my life...but when I phrase it like that it makes me feel angry, because it's not a very accurate description of what I really think.

I'm not sad without a boyfriend. I've functioned just fine without one before, and I've been functioning just fine without one for quite a while now. But there are those days when I miss it - when I miss having someone's hand to hold. When I miss someone to take walks with. When I miss having someone to always be there, to make me feel safe and secure and wanted...and to make me feel as if I weren't alone.

I miss that, and I think that's why I felt so lonely.

It's probably good that I didn't make a phone call.

Here's to another quiet, contemplative night...

♥ abigail

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