Monday, October 4, 2010

What a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, I was in a serious relationship. I always had someone to hang out with, to talk to, to share things with.

This year, I am single. I am often by myself, but that's okay. I still have someone I can always talk to (that's why God gave me sisters!), and these people actually appreciate listening to me (no, I'm not bitter. I'm realistic). I still have people to share things with.

I also have better grades.

Last year at this time, I lived a long mile away from campus. I schlepped my way to and from class every day, sometimes multiple times, before schlepping 1.8 miles to my boyfriend's house. I had to leave much earlier to get places on time (and sweat-free), and it always seemed like such a long walk to get back to a place I really didn't want to be in the first place.

This year, I live two blocks from campus. One-and-a-half, to be precise. I no longer have to schlep to class - I simply walk, taking my sweet time, relishing in the fact that I don't have to plan for a journey to get where I need to go. And when I walk home, I am going somewhere I want to be, which really makes a huge difference.

Last year at this time, I didn't know much about who I was. I was still filling the roles I'd been filling for so long without question, and didn't realize how discontented I was with that.

This year, I still don't know much about who I am. I still fill the roles I've been filling for so long, but now it's not for lack of questioning, but because I know that's who I want to be. I'm still exploring and still figuring things out, and I've gotten better at standing up for myself (even when the only person I'm standing up to is me), and I've given myself the opportunity to be whoever it is I want (and need) to be.

I love personal growth.

Last year at this time, I never would have dreamed of leaving the country for non-school related purposes. I had things to do, places to be, and I was in a rush to hurry up and get there.

This year, I am considering spending part of my summer volunteering abroad. I'm not sure if it will logistically work out, but the fact that I'm even considering it means a lot to me. I've started to slow down, to take second and third looks, and I've realized that I'm in no hurry to get out there in the big, bad, real world that's awaiting my graduation. I've decided to take my time for many reasons, and I'm happy with this decision.

Last year at this time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was stressed and confused, surrounded by people who seemed to have plans and seemed to have their lives figured out.

This year, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am no longer stressed, and I am no longer confused. I am surrounded by people who seem to have plans and who seem to have their lives figured out...but now I don't make the mistake of assuming they have it all together - because things are never as they seem. I'm pretty sure that even people with plans don't know exactly where they're going.

A favorite quote of mine comes from a musician I love, Jason Reeves. He fills his twitter with musings that succeed at making me think, and I can't get enough of this one and how much it fits my life:

"You can only be lost if you fall under the illusion that you know your destination. We are all wandering in wonder..."

I love this. Not only is it reassuring to hear that there's someone else out there who believes that you can be okay with out a plan (this is especially comforting to someone like me who struggles to function without plans), but I love when someone eloquently states a thought that has been wandering aimlessly through my brain with trouble turning into something coherent.

Last year at this time, I was probably already behind on my homework. Spending time with the boyfriend took precedent over my studies, something that I will definitely learn from. He's one of those naturally smart types who can basically look at the book and absorb information via osmosis.

So that might be exaggerating. But that's how I felt.

This year, I am ahead of the game in the homework department. I spent the weekend doing assignments, reading, and preparing myself for this week's classes, and am caught up through Wednesday. This took a lot of determination and focus, but I'm proud of myself for getting through it's kind of nice to be able to come home after class and not immediately have to start working again.

Last year at this time, I thought I had it all figured out.

This year, I don't.

And that has made all the difference.

♥ abigail

No comments:

Post a Comment