I've been bringing boxes and bags and bags of things home over the past few weeks in hopes of getting a jump-start on moving back home for the summer, but so far piles have just taken over my room.
Somewhere in the stacks, my trusty day planner that contains my life went missing.
I panicked. I needed that day planner. It was required for me to handle life.
And as I was worrying about the loss of my day planner, I realized something about myself. It was something I already knew, but I recognized it for the first time in a different context.
But for that story to make sense, I need to give you a little background.
Three months ago, my boyfriend of a year-and-a-half and I broke up. Without going into too much detail, I can tell you that it was entirely mutual (I know everyone says that but in this case, it really was). We reached the point where we grasped the fact that we were completely different people who want different things out of life. This was something we had always known, but never really confronted. We're still friends (I know everyone says that too, but again, it's true).
Back to the day planner.
As I was saying, I really need my planner in order to live - it has all sorts of important things in it...I plan my life in it. Obviously.
I love plans. Love, love, love them.
Every night, I write down my day's schedule on a post-it note and stick it to my day planner. It's a plan on top of a plan. It's heavenly.
I need plans. I follow plans. I feel nervous and stressed out when I don't have a plan, or worse, when someone else is in charge of the plan and I don't know about it.
I have control issues, clearly.
But these control issues are part of who I am.
And today, when I lost my planner, I recognized something really important.
I thought about a lot of things, just remembering...my ex-boyfriend didn't love plans. He despised them. Loathed them.
I was (am) always planning things, and he wanted (wants) to dive right in. It was a nice balance, but slowly it began to eat at me that it bothered him so much that I always needed a plan. It began to eat at me that it bothered me so much that he never even wanted a plan.
So today, I realized that I don't necessarily need - or even want - to be with someone who loves to plan.
I just need to be with someone who loves that I love to plan.
I spent a lot of time trying to be a person who didn't need to plan, but as sad as it sounds, I couldn't relax without a plan.
And that realization made me realize that I spend far too much time trying to people-please. As much as I don't care what people think of me, I do care about whether or not people are happy.
I always want everyone around me to be taken care of, and I take it upon myself to make sure that happens.
And somewhere along the way, I end up trying to please everyone, and I end up losing something of myself...like planning every moment of my day.
And there you have it - my big realization for the day.
In short: I need my day planner to survive, and I need to be surrounded by people who love and accept that about me...and recognize that it's all part of my charm.
Because it is.
(Oh, and by the way - I found my day planner. All is right with the world yet again.)